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a_painted_life

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[06 Mar 2006|08:23am]
fuck i miss "people.."
i wish people didnt run.
why must people run...
and why must people hold back.
and why must there be this rediculous "im not ready" bullshit...

ARGHHH

be true to your heart fuckers.
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shit [04 Mar 2006|09:10pm]
i didnt mean for it to seem that way...
now i think i might have messed up something i hoped to be special.... i messed it up to be friendly... to be the whole loving dustin person...
i mean here i was making forward progress... and now... this sounds like something from my last relationship already....

fuck... maybe it wasnt her.. maybe im just fucked up...
sigh*
god give me a break.. surgerys coming soon.. and i dont want to have to be alone through it all again...
seriously.. alone isnt the way to go..
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i want to live.... [28 Feb 2006|10:43pm]
the true conception of immortality...
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:] [27 Feb 2006|02:50am]
i like her...
like her a lot...

its weird cause im not exactly sure why... i just... get butterflys in my stomach..
i like that feeling.
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yes yes yes [23 Feb 2006|08:44pm]
things are great.

ps.
goodbye. :]
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i have a new friend. [19 Feb 2006|02:29am]
his name is ruka. he is from paris.
im excited. he is actually from china but in paris for some thing im not quite sure. he doesnt speak very good english but hes reading all of my blogs on myspace... which means he is reading hundreds of poems. he says he is always very tired and hates using the dictionary but that he loves my writing and has been reading it for six hours... looking up words in his biligual dictionary... :]
i have a fan in another country. this excites me. especially to have a fan in paris.
YAYYYYY
im going to trade addresses with him. and we are going to exchange photos and poems.. since he writes poetry too.. even though its in chinese or what not..
IM EXCITES you people have no clue..
this means i get pictures of paris.. I GET PICTURES FROM PARIS.. this means i have connections in paris now... holy fucking shit.. maybe ill buy a plane ticket and go to fucking paris ! ! !

heres a quick poem from yesterday or what not.

turkey without gravy,
they say.
no. no. no.
they hold their chests,
spliting spleens,
barking like animals.
bowls and balls.
pins and pens.

a fucking thousand flying thoughts.
"you punch walls. you take your meds with a side of cough syrup.
you lack coughs and sanity,"
she tells me.
"ive got a good psyc....."

the closest idea to self destruction in public;
sour skittles.
my mouth burns from cuts and tastes of blood
as i tongue the top, insides of my mouth.
lost somewhere
picking up
the spare
(thoughts.)


anyway.. im so excited about my paris friend.
i mean.. paris... fucking france.. how awesome is that!?!?!?
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how have i been, you ask? [03 Feb 2006|03:42am]
you can all now jubilate for here is a short update on my progress in life.
i a currently reading Humanist Manifestos I and II, which obviously the title gives you some insight into what its about. also working on memorizing the voltaires candide for philosophy. i started class like a week or so ago. im not quite sure exactly when. its nice. fun. a little tiring at times but for the most part i enjoy the challenges. keeps my mind off of other less important, but more depressing, issues.
english is a heavy load that will end soon but daily kicks me in the head by having to write an essay nightly.
other than this the only thing thats worrying me is the magazine the deadline is saturday and needs to be printed yet my check that i cashed today is already below two hundred... which is no good...
thats all folks
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[26 Jan 2006|04:22pm]
the magazine is on a running start and is almost ready for a first edition printing..
school is also off t a running start and is actually not so bad.. hopfully i can keep my head above water this time.
as for relationship shit... thats gone down hill.. hopfully itll change direction..
the book is also being sent to the publishers within the week which is exciting..
things are.. ok...
we'll see how everything turns out..
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[23 Jan 2006|05:32pm]
things are looking up..

(enjoy them why you can...)

its nice to hear a change of voice..
an accent from the heart
with a sweet side note of need.
a past forced to the present...
so lets carry on into the future...
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i find... [21 Jan 2006|05:10am]
that lately... my writing portrays not myself... but ... something or someone else...
hmmm.....
i dont have much to write for myself anymore...ive come to somewhat of a numbness.. or uncaring part.. in my life...
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calling all stars... [20 Jan 2006|03:30am]
tonight....
im wishing upon the stars...
all of them..
in the sky
on my belt...
in my paintings..
calling all stars...
help my wish come true.. :[
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[18 Jan 2006|02:32am]
the last twenty four hours have been spent drowning in water and my own bile, hot showers, cold sweats and more fighting.
todays realization- maybe some things are beyond repair.
or maybe life is beyond my personal grasp.
one of the two...


but time will only tell.
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holy fucking shit.. your shitting. me [14 Jan 2006|03:46am]
maybe there is a god... i think i got my chance to talk... i swear if i get another chance.... if i can stay within close range... i wont fuck it up... things wont be so serious... just help me.... i dont know who im talking to.. maybe im sort of talking to myself...
but i need to stay on track eeven if im not happy.. even if ... i feel like dieing.. even if she ends up with another guy... or is already with another guy and hasnt told me but clued... even so... dont fuck it up... because her voice is better than her answering machine.. and with as lonely as you are. with everything that has happened.. is happening will happen and might happen...all of it... youll need her... even a little tiny bit of her... just... lay off her anger wise.. and lay off calling and annoying wise... just... calm down... if this isnt it.. if this doesnt mean you dont have to be alone for months.. and pretend like you dont care.. when your actually on the verge of suicide from loniliness and depression.. if this doesnt mean you have to be alone through that... then embrace.. embrce with every peice of heart you have left.. i know your scareed and hurt and fucked and... just destroyed by what the worlds taken away time and ttime again.. i know it doesnt let up.. but.. embrace her.. because its the biggest gift you could get... remember the ring you bought her.. remember how it felt when she loved you.. rememberhow you felt invinsable.. how love made you feel like you could lose both legs and even though youd suffer... and lose so much... itd be ok because shed be there.. well she'll be there... how ever much that is.. and... if you work at it again.. maybe you can make her happy which therefore makes you happy... love is everything to you.. her love is everything to you... she is.. everything... truth is nothing could touch you if you were buried in her arms.. and this time.. no friends.. no parents.. no forklift will fuck it up.. just.. stay the course... please... and if tonight.. doesnt go like it should.. i know itll crush you.. i know youll cry and break down.. and have to take meds to sleep. and want to take meds for weeks so you can sleep away the weeks until everything is just ok one day when you wake up...

but i love her.. more than anything.. more than everything... no.. because she is everything... dear god.. just... let me have this.. its the one thing i ask for.. the one thing i need the one small thing thatd make every big thing thats been taken away or fucked up... it will make all that ok... make all that go away.. one small thing.. please let me haveher... keep her... ive been through hell... give me my heaven.... give me my heaven.. my earth... the color in flowers and the rays that make the sunrise and sunset.. give me life... give me my love.. because everything else comes with her... please... give me chantal... one more time.. and ill make it the last... please...
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fuck [14 Jan 2006|03:33am]
im so tired of chasing girls that arent there... i mean they are then... wham they either arent or... they...arent..
i mean im a good fucking guy... full of love .. and borken with hurt...all i want is a chance.. and all i get is rejection...
im sick of opening up to get trashed.. i finally got away from my ex... started kinda of liking someone else.. which was a weird situation but.. i mean it was real.. then... bam that was.. gone and.. so me and my ex started talking.. her kind of pushing things back togeather... i was at a point where i didnt think about calling or being with her at all times.. and then now... im back at the point where im going to have to make myself stop calling hr... textin.. thinking.. im going to have to pretend.. to live like a fake... until it becomes who i am.... until the fakeness... is so comon its.. considered real... or as real as it gets.. i just want to fix things.. i keep fucking them up... but i dont want her to leave.. i keep snapping.. using her as my emotional punching bag... but why is she leaving.. i know its wrong.. and im trying not to do it.. but little things set it off.. i want to stop.... i will stop.. but how is she leaving ging to make my horrorable situation any better.. truth is itll crush me.. and ill hide for weeks... be shitty for a long time.. until i can pretend nothing bothers me again... when she first started talking to me again... she said how... emotionless i seemed.. how she saw and beleived i didnt care... i was just trying to protect myself and for once i could be fake to her.. not say what i felt.. i opened up.. then something bothered me.. and bfore i opened up all the way... all these months of stuffing some of the hardest things ive ever dealt with inside... before i got it out.. truthfully to my ex.. my bestfriend... something little happened that hurt me and i snapped.. and pushed her away.. then i opened up my heart .. slept with her on the phone.. tried again and again and kept doing it.. kept snapping.. but still ... to now.. we havnt talked about eveything over the pas months that ive built up.. ive begged her to just talk to me... be my bestfriend... i mean.. begged.... but ive pushed her so far away.. im soi... stupid... i feel dumb and.. fucking just... hurt... and fucking stupid.. and i feel useless..and horrorable.. and i want to fix things.. i want my bestfriend.. my love.. m,y girlfriend.. ive lost her too many times before.. ive adjusted to many times before.. learned how to pretend like im not feeling too many times before.. i dont want to do it again... its.. fake.. its a game.. its lies and phonyness... and i dont want anything to do with it... tonight is thelast of my fight.. if she wont give in to night.. then ill start my journey into pretned land.. into the bullshit.. into so much pain again... please god.. if you are real.. which i feel like your not lately... this past half a year... save us tonight.. let me.. fix it just enough to where i dont have to go back donw that road.. i dont know if i can or want to live on that road again.... i cant... my heart.... my mind isnt strong enough.. you didnt put her back in my life just to crush me.. to hurt ,me to break me again... to... kill me or make me kill myself.. you couldnt hae... ... please... save it tonight.. just enough to where i dont have to say good bye and hello to nothingness... to pure solid brick walls of lonliness like no others felt.. please... if you exist.. please im begging you..
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.1 [06 Jan 2006|03:28pm]
so... today i thought about moving out. i want to move out so bad.. i think i want to live alone... i feel it will be too hard to adapt to anyone elses morals or ideals. i mean its sort of the same with relationhips, you put two completely differant peple, with differant experiaces, differant morals, differant family backgrouns, differant opinions... you put them togeather and you expect them to fit perfectly.... or too agree.. or to stand eachother.. uhh cha right.. anyway.. so moving out... by myself since im ery hard to get along with when it comes to a living situation. so i want to get an apartment.. and then a doggie.. i want a bestfriend.. a dog thatll go everywhere with me.. riding shotgun in my car... sleeping in my bed.. watching movies and tvs with me.. taking walks at all hours of the night and day to think and relax... a dog that partys with me and leaves the room when im having sex.. lol...
anywho.. i think just this alone would make me so much happier in general.. anyway..
so i finished my book, "my friend leonard".. which im not sure if you purnounce LEO-NARD or LEN-ARD????? i pre fer leo-nard... fits his character considering hes a mobster... anyway.. i cried all too often in this book.. its sad when books make you cry and movies dont..
anyway amazing book... go buy a million little peices and then my firend leonard... both wrote by james frey..

BEST BOOKS EVER>> PEACE
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:[ [10 Dec 2005|04:13am]
the space inbetween
is a past of possition.
(my hand, your cheek.)
a persinal touch of love,
supports only
a death dealt slow.
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:[ [30 Nov 2005|02:43am]
the once upon a time, written in wishes, flooding in words. it was i, just a boy under the stars. inhaling the shooting breaths and bursting with bright hopes.
born with mistake written in my future, or was it?
at the age of sobriety, before explicit thoughts i sealed my fate within the sky.
only to grow to the now.
to exhale,
a gust of the barrels breath.
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<3 [23 Nov 2005|02:58am]
"the mind of the flower
regards my mind
externally"
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NAKED MONKEY BUTT [21 Nov 2005|01:37am]
i have no clue.. but naked monkey butt came right into my mind when i went to type the subject... no i wasnt imagining.. naked monkey butts.. nor was i fanticizing about them.. i was simply.... thinking of the words..
NAKED- MONKEY- BUTT

anyway..
dustins birthday is now over.
he ordered 200 dollars worth of book.
has a book on its way.. if only i can pull togetaher the material i wish to publish
honestly
all is.. horrorable.. LOL
i know i talk of these.. naked monkey butts then im in a horrorable mood.. dont know.. god cursed me with mood swings (speaking of mood swings-- audrey if you read this.. read you like first five entries.. njotice how often your mood changes YOUR LIKE ME) lol
anyway
chantals.. RARWR
dumb is the word im looking for.. she fucking... ARGH she texted for my birthday.. 3 years cant even call a nigguh on his birthday?
and.. then i say something back and you cant answer me.. what a (in justins words) CUNT..
anyway


have a nice day.. i am going to have a long one.. FOUR FUCKING DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS>
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tonight. [19 Nov 2005|05:05am]
[ mood | cranky ]

although this is raily updated.. i think since i use my myspace more for poetry now ill update on here mor often..for my own enjoy ment and cure for my own boredom.
tonight.
went out with audrey.. had fun
missed that girl..
:]
good night.

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