a_painted_life (a_painted_life) wrote,
a_painted_life
a_painted_life

fuck

im so tired of chasing girls that arent there... i mean they are then... wham they either arent or... they...arent..
i mean im a good fucking guy... full of love .. and borken with hurt...all i want is a chance.. and all i get is rejection...
im sick of opening up to get trashed.. i finally got away from my ex... started kinda of liking someone else.. which was a weird situation but.. i mean it was real.. then... bam that was.. gone and.. so me and my ex started talking.. her kind of pushing things back togeather... i was at a point where i didnt think about calling or being with her at all times.. and then now... im back at the point where im going to have to make myself stop calling hr... textin.. thinking.. im going to have to pretend.. to live like a fake... until it becomes who i am.... until the fakeness... is so comon its.. considered real... or as real as it gets.. i just want to fix things.. i keep fucking them up... but i dont want her to leave.. i keep snapping.. using her as my emotional punching bag... but why is she leaving.. i know its wrong.. and im trying not to do it.. but little things set it off.. i want to stop.... i will stop.. but how is she leaving ging to make my horrorable situation any better.. truth is itll crush me.. and ill hide for weeks... be shitty for a long time.. until i can pretend nothing bothers me again... when she first started talking to me again... she said how... emotionless i seemed.. how she saw and beleived i didnt care... i was just trying to protect myself and for once i could be fake to her.. not say what i felt.. i opened up.. then something bothered me.. and bfore i opened up all the way... all these months of stuffing some of the hardest things ive ever dealt with inside... before i got it out.. truthfully to my ex.. my bestfriend... something little happened that hurt me and i snapped.. and pushed her away.. then i opened up my heart .. slept with her on the phone.. tried again and again and kept doing it.. kept snapping.. but still ... to now.. we havnt talked about eveything over the pas months that ive built up.. ive begged her to just talk to me... be my bestfriend... i mean.. begged.... but ive pushed her so far away.. im soi... stupid... i feel dumb and.. fucking just... hurt... and fucking stupid.. and i feel useless..and horrorable.. and i want to fix things.. i want my bestfriend.. my love.. m,y girlfriend.. ive lost her too many times before.. ive adjusted to many times before.. learned how to pretend like im not feeling too many times before.. i dont want to do it again... its.. fake.. its a game.. its lies and phonyness... and i dont want anything to do with it... tonight is thelast of my fight.. if she wont give in to night.. then ill start my journey into pretned land.. into the bullshit.. into so much pain again... please god.. if you are real.. which i feel like your not lately... this past half a year... save us tonight.. let me.. fix it just enough to where i dont have to go back donw that road.. i dont know if i can or want to live on that road again.... i cant... my heart.... my mind isnt strong enough.. you didnt put her back in my life just to crush me.. to hurt ,me to break me again... to... kill me or make me kill myself.. you couldnt hae... ... please... save it tonight.. just enough to where i dont have to say good bye and hello to nothingness... to pure solid brick walls of lonliness like no others felt.. please... if you exist.. please im begging you..
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